Dateline: two hours ago.
President Obama was seen scratching his left testicle while in the oval office today.
Leading republicans immediately denounced it as an “unlawful and unfair action” that would destroy our nation’s health care as it was obviously a step towards socialism. Several birthers stated that the testicle wasn’t rightfully in the oval office as it wasn’t born in the USA and they could prove it if they could ever find the birth certificate.
“I don’t understand why he couldn’t have scratched his right testicle instead,” said one Republican congressman, who wished to remain anonymous. “Scratching his left testicle was just a total affront to every Christian Republican in the country.”
“It’s proof of his liberal left-leaning tendencies,” stated Republican pundit and loudmouth Lush Windbag. “Even the femi-nazis should take offense at the gesture.”
Dill “Pickle” O’Really? in his show stated that right testicles everywhere are being ignored by the Democrats in favor of left-leaning testicles, and that the tea party would hold a protest where, in addition to holding flags and wearing funny hats, they would have a mass scratching of their right testicles at 7:00 PM tonight. Those without testicles were invited to take turns scratching the right testicles belonging to both of those members that have them at the protest.
Ded Fhelps, the anti-everything funeral protester, vowed to seek financial compensation as he wasn’t informed in time to protest the scratching and his free speech rights were violated because he wasn’t allowed to scream anti-gay epitaphs at Obama’s crotch during the private scratching ceremony. A group of veteran bikers vowed to keep Ded Fhelps away from the president’s privates.
There was also an immediate call to impeach the testicle by a group of birthers.
Democrats responded by posting photographs on the Internet of Obama scratching his right testicle, as well as pictures of several republican senators and congressmen scratching their left testicles in public. “This just goes to show that testicle scratching is a bipartisan effort on the part of the president, and that many republicans in office feel the same way,” stated an aide.
Meanwhile, Box News announced they tried to interview the testicle but were turned away by the office of the president because of the president’s bias against them. “We are too a legitimate news source,” Rubarb Murduck stated. “Just because we feel it’s OK to publish the news as we wish it happened is no reason to keep us from interviewing his testicle.” He also vowed to scratch the story from their broadcasts.
A CMM spokesman promised “Full coverage” of the president’s testicles.
Said one presidential aide, “I’ve never known the president to show favoritism towards scratching one (testicle) over the other. This whole mess is totally nuts. The protesters should just grow a pair and do their own scratching, and leave the president’s alone.
Screeching Pailing was unavailable for comment as she was busy cleaning a moose she had shot, and had previously announced she would be hanging his balls on the wall as a trophy. We assume she means the moose.
This page will be updated as we uncover more information about the president’s testicles. We feel we have barely scratched the surface and plan on digging deeper, and seeing what comes out.